qu0thraven (qu0thraven) wrote in goth_intellect,

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Velvet Darkness they Fear

Here follows a brief and inadequet introduction of myself. I honestly do not know where my talents lie. I have fronted a death metal band conceiving and performing the soaring classical vocals contrasted with clearly ennunciated growls as low as Chris Barnes and up into the Black Metal registers, we were played local radio a couple times but I never got to preform.  I had sucessfully published a Metal 'zine with artwork and poetry, only one issue was printed, the second was set to go but never made it to copy. I was involved in the local Arts Councel at home, all pieces of drawing or photography accepted into all the juried shows I entered, I only ever did this a very few times. I hosted a radio show "The Transient Raven" for 2 or 3 years at my university. It was a Metal show but I played everything from Bach to Styx, Enigma to Morbid Angel.  The fun was in the sequencing. I also served as Loud Rock director for a time. I had the privelege to be the Black and White lab manager there.  I loved being in the darkroom. I could almost see there even in the pitch black before red light use is safe. I studied English and Communications. British Victorian Literature and the Romantic period were of course my favorite. In Communications I sought to bring a Graphic Designer;s eye and an English Major's language to the web where dear programmers knew how to code a page but no idea what it _should_ look and sound like when finished. (I practially hear the text I read). We boldy named our car, his car really, Styx because we believed death is only a metaphor for transitive change and that we were ready to face the fires and become well tempered souls. Then, he died and in many ways I died too.


Odd that I go to a Goth Club to find myself among polite, intelligent people when Goths' had such a bad reputation.  I visited regular clubs later and was absolutely disgusted by the shallow meat market atmosphere.  Also I was disapointed by the Goth Nouveau (Mansonite, Korn kids in technicolor) who neither knew nor cared of the long lineage that contains the Goth culture from history. Funny they don't usually show up in the clubs. Adding insult to injury, I had taken the brunt of the abuse before the Goth Nouveau came and when they entered High School as I was graduating, they didn't get the flack that I did because I had in a sense "paved the way". I think I was called a freak more because I strove for civil interaction always then my odd and varied dress. 

I never went to a club until I was 21. In a way it saved my life or maybe just my soul because Gothic as I was, I was a metal head and loved to mosh. Just 2 months before my 21st birthday I was in a fatal collision and lost someone dear to me. I found an outlet in goth club dancing since headbanging, much less moshing, was and are no longer is an option for me. Furthermore I no longer had the stomach for most of the death metal, gorey and deadly negative, that shared my CD shelves with J.S. Bach, Vivaldi, Kraftwerk, Juno Reactor, Lorenna McKennit, Vox, The Cure, Depeche Mode, Billy Idol, Type O Negative, Moonspell, Velvet Acid Christ, Therion, Theatre of Tragedy...  Actually I couldn't listen to "Aegis" for a while because that was the soundtrack of my dead friend's and my life and had been playing in our car when he died. This was particuarly cruel because I always used that music to comfort, soothe or motivate me. My music collection is better now that I have purged the worst of the Death Metal and have brought in Neuroticfish, VnV, Assemblage 23, Corvus Corax, Sisters of Mercy, etc but there is always room for improvement. I had never chosen "Goth" I had just found myself there. Going to the club I found more postive, life affirming, and some familiar music and I felt as though, finally I was among my peers.

One fateful night, maybe it was my first at the club, I also found messages from beyond. The DJ spun "Beloved" (I think it was) by VnV and then "Another World" by Beborn Beton. These songs came as if in responce to what I had been thinking about how my lost friend and I had planned to go to that club together, how we had promised that if anything happed to one of us, we would contact the other through a computer (we assumed it would be easier) and the pain of not knowing what he thought of me when he died. Listening to those songs (there may have been a third) was like dancing with him and I started to feel it was ok to move on. I spoke with a lady there by chance or by design who told me of a male friend of hers who spent 13 years trying to contact his dead loved one only to be told of her dissapointment regarding him wasting so much of his life.

That night it must have been I also received compliments on my dancing (earning myself some free stuff) which was really odd since I did not then nor now do I really know how to dance. I try to become both my Raven self (somehow a purer form of me) and a marionette to the music and let it carry me. Nor was my garb the finest. I am sort of a thrift store Goth putting salvages together with a few expensive, tasteful or classic pieces.

Are we Goths the last largest vestage of High Art and Culture? How strange it is, is it really? We are the ones who travel to europe, learn a second language, teach medivael history, curate museum exhibits, create new art, respect what has come before... worry about politics? I think we are the largest young segment that is actually politically minded, must come with the philosophical bent. 

I didn't want to write a personal introduction article. I wanted to write something of more substance but my brains are lately hijacked by the pitter patter of little feet. If accepted into your august community, I promise something more scholarly in the future.  I once did an essay comparing and contrasting the Christ myth with the Vampire myth. It wasn't well written being my first research paper but my teacher was excited about it none the less and always encouraged me to revisit it someday.

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